The Bitter End...

Well, the day off after the 6-day shift from hell has arrived and things have taken a turn for the worse here in Ospika. The shift was fire hours (3:30 Am - 1:00 PM). But we disregarded that and worked multiple 12 hour days. I was beat, the bush has finally defeated me.

Justin arrived back in camp and I found out that I had been dropped a level, meaning I lose $10 a day. I was told by Pete that it had to do with my performance during the heli-block and the other Mackenzie block. All the levels are posted so all the camp knows, moreso after an incident a couple of days ago. I was cutting on a huge block and we were all rushing to finish. I'd actually been having a really good day: the temperature was good and so was my quality (stump height, herbicide application, etc.) We got to a point where we were flying through some brush rushing to complete the block for the day. Pat, a second-year French cutter was working treeline and he got stuck in some heavy brush, so I cut down and took over thinking I was helping. I was dog-tired and my quality wasn't good, I acknowledge that. When the day ended (we didn't finish the block), I was standing at the herbicide and gas cache getting ready to head back to the trucks. Pat marched down and proceeded to tear a strip off me saying my quality was horrible, that I'd been there for 3 years as a brusher, and that I was dropped a level. Right in front of all the brushers. It was completely humiliating.

I've always felt like an outsider on the brushing crew who connects with a few individuals. Now that sense of isolation is even moreso. He didn't have to ream me out in public and he didn't have to reemphasize my dropped level. He's an arrogant asshole whose pushing for manager in his next year. The guy's been on my ass all year with jibes here and there and I guess he finally had his opportunity to rake me over the coals.

So now I'm hyper-paranoid over my quality and how I operate on the line (we brush in a line). If there wasn't a completion bonus coming right up on the 31st I'd quit on the spot and fly out of this shithole.

There's just one 5-day shift left though and I'm just going to suck it up, remind myself that the brushing crew are not friends just colleagues, and finish this season when my contract's up. Earlier than I expected but I just can't stand things anymore, I need to get back to the city. I want to rock-climb with my new trad gear, I want to relax in Van, I want to see my family and Tracy and Emily, I want to start researching the article I'm going to write for Adbusters.

On a positive note - the one that keeps me going - things are really starting to role with the Africa preparations. Things are getting paid for and my flight is being arranged. Africa calls to me and I will be there soon camera in hand and notebook at my side should I be inspired.

Tired, filthy but relieved - signing off...